STRING QUARTET PLAYS
Lord Barton, you are a rake, a cad!
You have dishonoured my sister!
Lord Galpin, remind me, to which dishonouring are you referring?
The one in the kitchen? In your study?
In the stables? You will marry her, sir!
I will do no such thing.
Now, I am awfully bored of your shouting.
If you wish to challenge me to a duel then, please, sir - do.
Then I can shoot you dead.
CRACKING
Wow.
You really are wonderfully bad, aren't you? I beg your pardon?
You gamble, have affairs, you're an absolute snake.
Meanwhile, I'm all noble and serious.
Look at me. I'm so dull!
I'd rather be you.
Unhand me! What are you...?
That's impossible!
SCREECHING
No!
SCREAMING
SQUAWKING
Now I get to be the bad one.
DOCTOR WHO THEME
STRING QUARTET PLAYS
LAUGHING
Oh, my Bridgerton!
This is my actual dream! It's brilliant, isn't it?
And the dances! Oh, Ruby, the dances!
But I can't dance, not like this!
How do I know these moves? Psychic earrings.
Choreography beamed into your motor system.
Tap twice to choose your moves.
It's like instant Strictly!
MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE
Just don't set them to battle mode. Right.
Marvellous! Oh!
Well, I thought I knew everyone at my ball,
but it appears not. What a delight!
Wonderful party, Your Grace.
Some are saying best of the season.
A triumph. A new standard set.
And I, of course, could not comment.
But I think the real estimation of an evening
is in the matches made. Don't you agree, Miss...?
Er, Ruby. Lady Ruby...Sunday
of the...Notting Hill Estate.
DOCTOR CHUCKLES
This is the Doctor.
Oh, my dear, you aren't unwell? Oh, no, no, no, no. He's just a friend.
Oh! Good!
Well, a young lady needs suitors, not friends. Come!
Oh, she's so posh, I love her!
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
Ow! Ah! Ah! Ah!
I'm getting feedback! On the earrings?
Interesting.
ELECTRONIC HISSING
Sonar interference. Lady Ruby!
Attend! Uh, I'll handle this.
Just try and not get engaged or accidentally invent tarmac.
1902 got away from me.
OK, go! Go, go! Enjoy!
BEEP!
SONIC WHIRS
RHYTHMIC BEEPING
BEEPING SPEEDS UP
HIGHER-PITCHED BEEPING
My dear, stand tall, eyes bright!
Lord Barton approaches. Oh, that's a tall glass of heartbreak.
Ah...
RUSTLING
Your Grace, where have you been hiding this absolute delight,
with hair like golden strands, spun in the rays of the evening sun?
Oh, you're not a tall glass at all, you're half a pint of shandy.
My dear, you should learn to be admired in silence.
Yeah, well, if you spoke to me and the girls like that
on a Friday night down at the Spinning Wheel,
then we'd rip you a new one, mate.
POSH ACCENT: Now, get out of my way, Lord Stilton!
Stilton?
It's a very difficult cheese.
CRACKING
Oh, er, Your Grace, who is that?
The Duke's late mother. Her eyes still follow me about the room.
Constant judgment.
But, my dear, the way you spoke to Lord Barton -
you were rather splendid. Is it always like that in the North?
Oh, well, fellas like that are ten a penny.
Oh. He's moved on!
Who's he with now? Miss Emily Beckett.
She's bookish and vapid, I fear. But good teeth.
Oh, by the saints! Lady Wallace, no, no, no.
Wait here, dear.
Excuse me! Oh, no, not now, Lord Alker!
Brooding. Good look.
Do you practise in a mirror?
Bit more frown, maybe.
Yeah? Like this.
Yeah? Like this. Really. Really, like this.
I didn't know the Duchess employs a court jester. Well, I'm hilarious.
And...
..you're kind of funny peculiar.
Standing here.
Good vantage point, keeping an eye out on the exits.
Like you're expecting trouble.
Are you? Honey, I'm here for fun.
Then go and pursue your facile pleasures and leave me alone.
O...K, rude, Lord...?
Not a lord. Does "not a lord" have a name?
Rogue.
Nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor.
Just "the Doctor"? Just "Rogue"?
I think you and I should go outside.
Fast mover.
OK!
CLEARS THROAT
Lady Wallace? ..yes, I think so...
Lady Wallace, how brave of you to wear that gown this evening,
after I wore it so beautifully last season. Oh!
So rude of her!
What on earth are YOU doing here?
My housekeeper?!
Outside, where you can be seen?!
You disgrace me!
I made a stupid mistake choosing to be staff.
It's all work!
Cooking, cleaning, mopping up.
While you lot are out here, having a right old shindig.
I'll have you sacked, woman!
You'll not sour my evening.
People look to me as an arbiter of taste.
What, in that dress?
I beg your pardon? How dare you?!
WHISPERING: Maybe it will look better on me.
SQUEALING AND CAWING
SCREAMING
LORD BARTON: Emily, please. I beg of you.
But you consume me, sir. I think about you my every waking hour,
and I hate myself for it.
And what would you have me do?
I rely on the favour of my aunt.
She would never approve of this match. I would be destitute!
But you'd have me.
To love.
Ah!
I will not marry you.
SHE GASPS
Not now. Not ever.
Then go! You stole my heart, now leave me my reputation!
And yet...
..you tempt me still.
Shh...!
Um, I should not be here.
Uh, good evening.
CLEARS THROAT
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, er...interrupt...
Are you OK?
I'm ruined! Oh!
What do you mean, ruined?
A couple caught alone is a scandal!
If the man refuses to marry the lady,
she will no longer be acceptable to polite society.
Oh, this is so Bridgerton!
I love these old skies.
Ripe with constellations being found and named.
The bear, the ram. All chosen by the astronomer de Lacaille.
Great with stars, bad with names.
He called one-star system Norma. Do you never stop chattering?
OK, Rogue... You're tall, you're handsome,
you're arrogant, and you look great in that jacket...
..so there's one thing I have to ask.
Is that a shoe?
No-one walks away from a situation with one less shoe - you'd notice.
I suggest look for the other shoe.
Over there! A shoe and a leg. Oh, no.
Oh, man.
Ohh.
SONIC WHIRS
This is the Duchess, this is the Duchess's clothes.
I am sorry.
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
This is no way to die.
And you knew.
You didn't even flinch.
Because it's obvious.
This is a murder far beyond the technology of Planet Earth.
It could only be done by someone brilliant. And monstrous.
And ruthless. Contemptible.
BOTH: You.
BOTH: You!
BOTH: No, you!
Excuse me, I think...
WHIRRING
You.
If you ask me, he's an idiot.
Honestly, my mate Bex, she'd tie him to a lamppost in his pants.
The funny things you say!
RUBY LAUGHS
But his station in life is too tenuous.
He must find a good match, and I have no dowry to speak of.
Oh, pff, you know what?
He sounds like he's choosing his cushy lifestyle over love.
Cushy?
Er...comfortable...
..like a...cushion.
Cushy. I like it.
Yeah, OK, maybe don't use it a lot.
"Yeah, O-K!"
OK!
OK! Ah!
Your words amuse me. Ah...
It's such a pleasure to meet you, Miss...? Oh! Ruby.
And I'm Miss Emily Beckett. But most people here
would delight in the gossip, not offer me comfort. Well, nah.
You know what my mum says?
If it's not your life, why are you telling it? She's annoyingly smart.
Right! You know how I forget about a man?
I go dancing!
You know, this is not a good look for you,
in any century. Keep moving.
So who do you think I am? I know you're a Chuldur.
The shapeshifters.
Ha! I mean, I've heard of them. I've never met one.
Unless I have. Drop the act, Doc.
There's a Chuldur at work on this planet
and I've been paid good money to find you. OK, firstly, "Doc"?!
No, thank you, sir. Please.
Secondly, you are a bounty hunter?
That is so...cool.
Catching monsters, getting into scrapes.
Meeting handsome strangers.
I'm here for the money, nothing more.
So where are you taking me? My ship.
Ha! Where do you hide a spaceship in 1813?
It's cloaked, past that shed. Shed?!
That's MY ship.
You travel in a shed? Love the shed! Why isn't it cloaked?
It's behind a tree.
DEVICE BEEPS
WHOOSHING
Now that's a ship.
JAUNTY STRING QUARTET MUSIC
A wonderful party, Your Grace.
Thank you.
Nice costume.
CRACKING
Tight fit.
Oh, you're the Duchess!
HE SNIFFS
Oh, of course, I should have scented you.
I wanted to be her next. Too slow, love.
Although I was hoping someone here would be royal.
Nevertheless...
..I have picked my outfit for the wedding.
Oh, really? Who?
Lady Ruby Sunday.
She just seems so different.
Ahh!
DOORS WHIR
ELECTRONIC BEEPING
Ah. So...
This place is...a mess.
Ha! Rogue, honey, you need company. I live alone.
Baby, I can see!
CHUCKLES
But was that always the case?
Why do you ask? This is an old asteroid hopper.
Piloted by two. Not any more. Stand there.
What do those things do?
It's a trap. Triform on!
COMPUTER: Triform activated.
Oh, I see. My name's bond, molecular bond!
It works as a transport gate, it just needs time to charge up.
Transport to where? The incinerator.
It's a death sentence? You're a killer.
Oh, well, how about...?
Triform off!
BUZZING
Triform off! It's deadlocked.
Can't turn it off until it's charged, and once it's charged...
DEVICE WHOOSHES
..I press send.
Yeah? Well, my gadget can do more things than your gadget.
SONIC WHIRS
You're not scaring me.
The ship would've registered that as a dangerous device.
Instead, it says...
BEEPING
..screwdriver. Yes. Which is convenient
because I've been wanting some new shelves over there. Oh, ha-ha. No.
But it does do all sorts of things.
RAPID BEEPING
Aha-a-a!
Did you get your name from Dungeons & Dragons?
Roll for Insight.
Oh, I'm sorry, was that a wee smile
from the most serious man in history?
And it says that you're wired for sound.
MUSIC: Can't Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue
Now, this is a surprise.
Oh, I love this!
Classi-i-ic!
WHOOSH! MUSIC STOPS
MUSIC RESUMES
DULL BEEP
MUSIC CONTINUES
WHOOSH! MUSIC STOPS Mm-mm!
SONIC WHIRS, MUSIC CONTINUES
MUSIC STOPS
Aww!
SONIC WHIRS, MUSIC CONTINUES
I'm just standing still, baby!
DOCTOR LAUGHS
Give me... Give me that device!
MIMING ALONG: # Boy, your lovin' is all I think about... #
Now.
MUSIC STOPS
Have your fun, Doctor.
You've got very little time left.
Wha...?
Rogue, I am telling you, you've got the wrong man.
OK? And I can prove it.
This authenticates me as non-Chuldur.
It says, "You're hot." Does it?! I'm sorr... No, it's broken.
Is it you're hot, or I'm hot? No, it is just that it's...
Who's hot, Doctor? It means the temperature.
Suits you, flustered, it's a good look.
You should try it more often. Says the man about to kill me.
Got to do my job. But just for the paperwork...
This job has so much paperwork, ever since we got that new boss.
COMPUTER: Scanning...
Ah!
Deep scanner confirmed - shapeshifter.
Transport gate charging.
Press send in ten vexils.
WHIRRING
I'm just so trigger-happy.
How long does a vexil last? Nine... Oh, that long.
Nice knowing you, Doc. ..eight... Rogue, I'm telling you,
you've got the wrong man. ..seven... If you kill me,
you'll leave a Chuldur out there on 19th-century Earth.
Think of all of the innocent people that will die! ..five...
And if I've only got five vexils...
..four... ...then I beg of you.
Look! ..three...
Scanning.
..two...
..one.
Press send.
I'm not a Chuldur.
I'm something much older and far more powerful.
I'm a Lord of Time
from the lost and fallen planet
of Gallifrey.
Now, let me go, bounty hunter.
We have work to do.
Wow.
GIGGLING
We can't keep hiding!
Oh, we can! They all want to find you a husband downstairs,
but you can do whatever you want.
Oh, you are revolutionary. No, I mean it!
You can do whatever you like, without Lord...Barton.
Come on. What do you want to do with your life?
I'll marry someone lesser. And smaller.
There may not be love, but perhaps a kindly smile at dinner.
And then a shared grave.
Ah...right.
So you mean till...death?
What choice do I have? Oh! So much more.
Emily, oh, let me tell you,
this life may seem small, but there are horizons out there,
and adventures,
and mountains to be climbed.
SHE GASPS
Oh!
Who is that?!
OWL HOOTS
ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING
You ready for this?
It's not my first shed.
DOOR CREAKS
Oh, my God!
# Come with me, and you'll be
# In a world of pure imagination
# Take a look and you'll see
# Into your imagination. #
I'm in love!
With this machine!
Mm-hm!
Dimensionally transcendental.
And so clean!
Yes. The things that you don't recognise are called surfaces.
Ha! Oh, man, you make me sound so boring.
TARDIS GROANS
What was that?
Nothing. Indigestion. She gets upset by bounty hunters.
It's the moral void. No offence.
And this,
from the ancient and fallen world of Gallifrey? Where the hell is that?
Well, I might take you one day.
SWITCHES CLICK
CONSOLE HUMS WITH POWER
All right!
In a few minutes, it will no longer be a deathtrap.
You are welcome.
Why, what does it do now?
Well, whatever the Chuldur has done, I can't let you kill it.
I also can't let it kill others. So, instead, we will transport it
to a random, barren dimension. No-one to hurt, no way back.
OK. CONSOLE WHOOSHES
Who did you lose?
What?!
You lost someone.
How do you know that? Because I know.
There was...
Yeah.
We travelled together. We had fun, y'know?
And then a day came along, and at the end of that day...
..I lost them.
What about you?
I lost everyone.
At the party, I saw you with that woman.
Mm. My best friend.
Do you ever wonder...
..why keep going? Because we have to.
We have to live each day because they can't.
You don't have to stay a bounty hunter, Rogue.
You could travel with me.
Oh...! ELECTRONIC BEEPING
The worlds I could show you, Rogue.
DOCTOR CHUCKLES
And what if I like what I do?
Would you travel with me?
That is quite an argument.
I'll tell you what, when we both get out of this...
..let's argue across the stars.
I'd like that.
BEEP!
The trap is ready.
Now, let's get back to this party before anyone else dies!
STRING QUARTET PLAYS
There's a dead body upstairs, it's been drained! There's an alien shapeshifter killing people,
disguised as the Duchess... Something killed her. Oh, you know. Should we be telling humans?
Ruby, 2024, Rogue, outer-space bounty hunter, nice lady... Emily.
..Emily, 1813, the Duchess, a shapeshifting Chuldur - OK?
I know the word OK!
OK. But what does anyone get out of killing these people?
I mean, I know they're posh nobs and all that,
but we found the housekeeper, dead. I mean, why would anybody do that?
NEW SONG BEGINS
The dance. The drama.
The emotion. Oh, man,
it's cosplay! All of this! The Chuldur is cosplaying! You said
that a Chuldur comes to a planet
and tries on people like outfits, all for the fun of it!
Exactly like cosplay! Wait, so you mean it's literally dressing up
and playing at Bridgerton? Could be.
Those TV signals beam out across the stars.
What are these T-V signals?
No time. Uh, we need to get the Duchess outside, on her own,
and if there's one thing that attracts her, it's scandal...
..and outrage and plot twists.
So, come on, Rogue.
Shall we?
I don't see how us dancing will create a scene.
Then you should have researched this era a little more
because WE are scandalous!
So what is this ancient Earth tradition of cosplay?
Oh, Rogue. It's when fans dress up as characters that they like.
And in our Chuldur's case, it's Bridgerton.
Quite the sight.
Oh, my, ladies. This is shocking!
We need to have a big fight so we can storm out and draw her to us.
The Chuldur cosplay, not me.
This is the wrong time to be strong and silent
and so...attractive.
How dare you, my Lord?!
LOUD GASPING
Oh, this is new.
You would ask me to give up my title,
my fortune?
But what future can you promise me?
Uh...
You cad!
LOUD GASPING
Tell me what your heart wants,
or I shall turn my back on you forever.
I...
WHISPERING: Say anything.
GASPING AND MURMURING
Sorry. I c...
I ca...
DOOR CLOSES
Oh, we must play them!
Intercept! You go that way!
SCREECHING
What?! By the Lord!
Oh, it's him! It's not the Duchess.
What is he?
How can you even talk like this? Who are you?! Whoa...
Gah!
Now, keep the Duchess talking. A Chuldur is strong,
and if she starts to change you, it won't stop.
DISTANT SCREECHING
Quick question - how many does this trap hold?
One.
Because there's only one Chuldur, yeah?
It's a Chuldur family.
I want to be the Doctor.
Who wants to fight for the other one?
Run. I'm normally the one that says tha...!
SCREECHING
SHRILL SCREECH
MISS TALBOT: I found them!
Gentlemen! We just want some fun!
I would love to be the Doctor!
Breaking spines,
removing tonsils!
Live vivisection!
Now, find them!
I want a new look!
DISTANT SCREECHING
SQUAWKING
TRILLING
CRACKING
HISSING
Where are they? Any luck?
The stables are empty.
Back to the house.
We must advance with the wedding!
That should get them out of hiding.
She said "wedding". But four of them.
We've only got a trap for one. What do we do?
When we start the action, these human beings will panic and scream.
It'll ruin the authenticity of the evening.
Oh, but I like the panic and screaming bit!
This is what we came for -
the gossip, the romance, the scandal.
We still have the big finale wedding to come. And then...London.
We can play our games on a magnificent scale!
Parliament first, then royalty! I can be King!
And we can start wars with the French and the Spanish
and the Portuguese, and everyone who doesn't look British!
And bloodshed! And cannons! Gunpowder!
We're going to cosplay this planet to death!
Thank you.
SONIC WHIRS
A little bit of zizz... Zizz?
Technical term. I can make this transport gate carry four.
There might be others.
SONIC STOPS WHIRRING
Right. Uh... Six.
SONIC WHIRS
Six maximum.
The problem is, too much weight. This can now only work once.
We've got one try at this, Rogue. Just one.
We've got to get it right first time.
Oh, Emily.
Emily, I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but trust me. There are scary things
in the universe but the good things always outnumber 'em.
How can you say these things?
You with your T-V and your O-K...?
Er, OK. Look, the truth is...
Nah, you've seen enough...
I'm not from your world.
I come from the future.
You are...truly remarkable.
And I thought I was interesting.
A bookish little wallflower, risking it all for a secret love.
But you!
FAN LANDS ON FLOOR
You are wild!
And brave. And rude.
Living a life of adventure, from times yet to come.
Oh, Ruby Sunday...
..I want to be you!
SCREAMING
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Attention, s'il vous plait!
SCREAMING
Merci, wilkommen und bienvenue!
C'est moi!
SNARLING
Oh, come now, loves, a party isn't a party without a costume change.
And don't I look fabulous?!
SNARLING
SCREAMING
Silence!
Any sign of Ruby? Not seen her. They've locked the doors.
This is the endgame. Chuldur leave no witnesses. Darlings...
They'll slaughter everyone. ..now it is time
for the season finale!
And what could be better than...
..a wedding?!
GASPING
And here they come!
Bride and groom!
How does it feel to be Lady Ruby?
Mm, delicious!
I'm sorry.
They got her.
She looks good on you.
CRACKING
WOMAN'S VOICE ECHOES: Doctor...?
Doctor, look...
You know I can't stop her.
And I wouldn't want to do that.
And if anyone deserves to see it all, feel it all,
it's Ruby.
But I'm still her mum. I need to know she'll be OK.
You'll keep her safe? I will keep her safe.
I promise.
DOCTOR EXHALES
SCREAMING
Now, every wedding needs...
..a vicar.
You!
Step forward, sir!
Madam. Your Grace. Your...Birdiness.
Hmm? I cannot sanction wedlock...
..for creatures from hell.
TRILLING
GASPING
ROARING
How long do they live for?
Chuldur? Mm.
They have a lifespan of 600 years.
Good.
That's a long time to suffer.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
in the sight of the unholy,
oh, whatever, etc, praise be, holibobs,
to witness the marriage of Lord Barton to Miss Ruby.
I object!
GASPING
Sorry, had we reached that bit yet?
It's very hard to hear out here. I object
to this...wedding
and to all that you are, Chuldur.
INHALING DEEPLY
Taste his inhuman scent.
Breathe it in deep, baby!
Because I am exuding, and I am one of a kind.
He is quite unique.
He's something unknown. I want to be him!
I want it, I want it! And I want you
standing exactly there for this.
BEEPING, LAUGHTER
One third of a transport gate? One third of a trap.
One third of a brain, Doctor!
Of course...
I need the other two pieces. I wonder where they are.
For the desecration of Ruby Sunday,
you deserve only this.
Triform on!
COMPUTER: Trap locked at five.
How dare you, sir?!
SHRIEKING
You will pay for this! But when?
Because five passengers in a transport gate
gives about...oh, about 80 vexils? So...
Doctor, how long's a vexil?
Don't pretend. No, I'm not. It's me, Doctor.
Nice try.
No! My mum's called Carla and my gran's called Cherry
and it snowed when I was born and we met space babies,
and I'm really, really sorry.
But how?
I cosplayed.
JAUNTY STRING QUARTET PLAYS
ELECTRONIC BEEPING
Battle mode.
JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES
Whoa!
Argh!
CRACKING
SCREECHING
Doctor, I can't move.
That's what she did to me!
How could you mistake her for me?!
She has the scent of a Chuldur!
Idiot. It's a false scent from that cheap psychic jewellery!
Triform... Triform off! Triform off! Triform...off!
Triform off! COMPUTER: Transport gate charged.
Press send.
You won't press send! You're too soft and feeble
to dispatch your little blonde friend!
Emily, you have my full permission!
Become the Doctor!
SQUAWKING
Trap locked at six.
ROGUE: Doctor, press send.
We've only got one chance. I can't.
He's too much of a coward! Press the button. It will send Ruby!
No, Doctor, it's fine. No!
No! No! No! If you don't send, the Chuldur will escape
and Ruby dies anyway.
COMPUTER: Transport gate charged.
WHISPERING: It's fine. Press send.
They'll kill us. Then this house.
Then London. Then the world. You know that.
You absolutely know it.
So can you do it?
Can you lose your friend to save the world?
No.
I know.
COMPUTER: Matter exchange. Trap locked at six.
Find me.
You OK?
SONIC BEEPS
ENGINE RUMBLES
Just sending his ship into orbit. Around the moon.
So it can wait.
SONIC BEEPS
As long as it takes.
Can't we use the TARDIS and go find him?
Hmm.
SONIC BEEPS
There are as many dimensions as there are atoms in the universe.
Don't even know his real name.
SONIC BEEPS
I'm sorry.
Any...way!
It is what it is, so onwards, fine, next.
Off we go.
Where shall we go? Anywhere! Doctor, you don't have to be like this.
I have to be like this cos this is what I'm like.
Onwards. Upwards. New horizons. Moving on.
It's fine. OK, can you just shut up a second?
DOCTOR CHUCKLES
DOCTOR SIGHS
It's good to have you back, Ruby.
And you, Doctor.
Hmm!
DOCTOR: Everywhere I land, a woman appears.
In every dream, I'm there.
She doesn't know why, but she remembered them.
Doctor! There's something wrong!
Whatever it is, here it comes.